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A bit of bliss
Hitting your sister IS technically the same thing as "putting your hands on her", accept responsibility and get to your room before I put my hands on you.
Stop calling your sister's hamster by your dead hamster's name, at least in her presence. Her hamster cannot become your hamster just by you calling it another name.
Please continue to follow me from room to room telling me I bought the wrong size tater tots and how it is ruining your life. Please go on, don't stop, tell me more...
"Mom, I don't want to take this lunch box from last year, it's so babyish." Oh sweetie, I'm sorry...STOP LEAVING YOUR LUNCH BOX AT SCHOOL!!!!!
You cannot have a snake when your hamster dies and we cannot talk about it. Please stop asking me and I don't want to catch you giving your hamster a "bath" again.
Is it so wrong to tell the kids to not talk to you for a few minutes because you just can't handle questions that can't be answered by anyone and only cause frustration to all?
I love getting the call from neighbors that my daughters have taught their sons the "right way" to armpit fart.
My 7 year old thought Les Mis was called Lame Is and kept telling her friends that is what we were going to see last night - I imagine she thought it was some kind of comedy and may have been disappointed.
Asking me to come wipe your bottom as you back out of the bathroom with your pants around your ankles and tell me that the toilet will most likely be plugged is not how I want to start my day.
When you give something away, do not expect to get it back and don't blame me for your 'generosity'. I did not tell you to give your Zooble to your friend and I am not asking for it back. There is a lesson to be learned, let me know when you figure it out.
When I ask if you want to take a shower, it is a rhetorical question. It is my dumb ass fault for posing it as a question. Get undressed and get in the shower now, before I ask if you want a smack to the ass!
My 5 year old had decided whenever I give her an answer she doesn't like she sings, "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there". I asked her what that meant and she told me to watch the commercial. I did and I am trying to come up with a song to respond, no luck yet.
Husband just came into the office to say goodbye and tell me that #2 is now awake. I asked what her mood was and he said, "Oh about a 7 this morning". I am giving it 10 minutes before I go in, hoping it has moved to an 8.5, that ensures I don't have to hear how much I suck this early.
My tolerance for stupidity is getting so low I am going to have to start avoiding people so I stay out of trouble.
The best gifts don't come in tiny packages, they come in glass bottles with names like Merlot, Chardonnay or Jack Daniels. Get mom what she really wants this year - booze!
Nothing cures grief and loss like a new hamster.
Hamster is not quite dead and the kids are already trying to figure out how to use that to get what they want.
I wish it was possible to lose weight every time you write a check. Bill paying would be something to look forward to and I would be anorexic!
My daughter keeps asking me how to make your brain stronger. Well, I drink to kill off the weakest brain cells, leaving me with the strongest ones. I don't know how other people do it, don't care!
Here's an idea for you; if your sister kicks you in the head every time you put it by her feet, STOP putting your head by her feet!
Breaking News: Lindsay Lohan is paying off her debt to society by teaching acting to homeless people! My tax dollars are being used for this? F*#%!!!!!!!!!
"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."
Whenever I get a compliment about my weight that is like my free ticket to super size whatever I want.
Does anyone know where I can get my kids the Common Sense Booster Shot? We are in great need of this and desperate Seriously, I will pay a referral fee to anyone that can point me in the right direction.
Nine hours in the car of conversations like this, "Mom, is there such things as robots? Yes, dear. How do you know? Well, science has developed robots. Mom, are you a robot? No dear, I am not. How do you know you're not a robot? I just do, I am not a robot. I don't believe you!"
I understand that your life would be better if you lived with grandma and grandpa, but you don't. You are stuck with me and your dad FOREVER and we do everything in our power to make your life tough!
Of course I know the GPS is smarter than I am. It has a computer for a brain, satellites feeding it constant information and it doesn't have two kids sucking the life out of it.
Nothing warms the heart like car time with your children. The car, where there is no place to escape and you are all within inches of each other for hours at a time. Ah, good times...
I love wine, but I hate the headache. You think researchers would spend less time trying to cure cancer and more time developing a wine that doesn't hurt you the next morning.
I wish the employees at Costco could answer questions about the store, "You want try dried pomegranite? no thanks, can you tell me where they moved the Scotch? no, you want try dried pomegranite? NO, I want to know where the effing Scotch is, so when my husband gets home I can hand him a glass before he sees what the kids did to the driveway!" Really - is it too much to ask????
Love that my daughter says loudly, "Look there's child x and her dad" "No honey that's her mom" "Where's her mom??" "Right over there!" "Mommy, are you talking about the man wearing the baseball hat?" "Yes, honey that's her mom!"
What is the deal with all these runners in this weather? If I am running it is because someone is chasing me or someone just yelled, "Last call". If I want to be skinny I will just vomit after I eat.
Things I should never have to ask (but do), "Did you wipe?" followed by, "Did you wipe good, I mean really good? Ok, let me look. Did you wash? Did you use soap? Did you just squirt the soap and rinse it off or did you do the 20 second process we discussed?" Please try not to be jealous of my glamorous life.