Elf on a G.D. Shelf

The holidays are most definitely upon us, which is foretold by all the additional shit we have to do or attend during the month of December.  Our family has spent a lot of time putting up the tree and decorating both the indoors and outdoors.  For us it seems like a religious activity, a lot of Jesus Christ-ing and God Damn-ing as we partake in these wonderful family moments.  There is also a lot of Oh My God and begging for forgiveness after that special ornament you asked them not to touch is laying in 2,000,000 pieces.  Truly good times we will remember forever.

The holidays, and most importantly the thoughts of presents, is something I hold dear.  I have the best behaved kids between Thanksgiving and Christmas .  For the past 9 years the threat that Santa is watching has been enough to make them behave.  This year, my very sweet and generous sister-in-law bought my girls an Elf on the Shelf ( I am sure I should be adding some kind of R or trademark after the name, but I am so sick of this elf already that it can get bent).

The “theory” of elf on a shelf is a good one, you bring it out about a month before Christmas and the magic of the elf makes your kids want to behave.  The reality of it is that freaky ass thing has me concerned about my own behavior.  I start questioning if I should have a glass of wine on a school night or if I should be using sarcasm when responding to my kid’s tenth request for something I already said “No” to nine times.  As an adult not much freaks me out, but the few things that do are: clowns, Burger King (the king not the food), carnies and elf on a shelf; not necessarily in that order.  I think I would have an easier time staring down a mass murderer with a knife, than I would waking up to find that smiling elf staring into my eyes.

So I am carrying on the tradition and moving that elf around nightly, or very early in the morning when I realize I forgot.   For me, I feel like as long as the damn thing has been moved from its previous spot I have done my job.  I also want bonus points for having the wherewithal to get it moved after I have finished  my third glass of wine.  The kids have a whole other idea, they feel like the elf should be doing creative things like their friends tell them about or leaving gifts.  By the way, whoever started having their elf leave gifts – you suck!  It doesn’t say anything about gifts in the instructions and you should lose your elfing privileges or at the very least get your ass kicked.

I am all about the holidays and having a good time.  I am less about extra work and being nice to people like my nemesis, June, as she tells me about how every moment is perfect and that she only had to take one picture this year to get the holiday card done (we took 74 before giving up).   Hearing about her perfect world has given me the  bright idea to wait until December 24 when the elf is done here and leave it on her door step in a flaming bag of crap. How is that for creative?   Now that I think about it, I guess the holidays are pretty great!



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