It’s not quite mid July and we have been off with the kids about what 18 weeks now? Well it seems like it. I love summer, as it usually means downtime and that you can get a free babysitter by taking your kids to the pool while you chat with your friends, or moms that you pretend to be friends with because it promises some kind of future return. This year we chose swim team which includes being up before 7:00AM six days a week. As the weeks have worn on I feel my level of patience wearing thin and my desire to do something just for me growing.
It really only has been a few weeks, but I am suffering from that pesky summer virus, Annoyeditis. It impacts millions of people everywhere and sadly most don’t even have a name for it. Mine started a couple of weeks ago, but today it peaked and I have been fighting the desire to hide in a closet with my newest Kindle find and a bottle of some kind of spirit. My children have the uncanny ability to figure out what will set me off. It is simple things, but since they are repetitive and go against all common sense and logic these things make me feel as if I have been stabbed repeatedly in the brain.
My youngest takes off her shoes every time she gets in my car, the house not so much, but the car is a given. I have asked her not to do this only because she somehow seems to lose the shoes in the two foot area surrounding her seat EVERY DAMN TIME! I have even begun every car trip with a disclaimer, “Please don’t take your shoes off, I want to be able to get out of the car without a search and rescue for your flip flops”. Doesn’t matter, somehow she takes them off, or they “fall off”, or some mystery person took them off because she wouldn’t have done that . When we are running late for an appointment I give the 2 mile warning, “I am sure your shoes are not on your feet, figure out where they are so you can get them back on quickly since we are already late”. Her response, the same response every time, “How did you know my shoes were off?”
Both of my girls also have some kind of sensor that forces their body in front of any door I need to open. I am not kidding when I say EVERY door, it amazes me how they lodge their bodies between me and the door needing to be opened and then just look at me like they don’t know what to do next. Somehow they also know which way the door needs to open without checking and block it. I actually had to physically remove one of my kids from the sensor on the side of an automatic sliding door just to get it to open. Then there’s the doors to my minivan which they cannot pull hard enough on the handle to get it to actually slide open, but they have enough strength to get it to error out when I am trying to open it with my remote. Here is an example of a usual trip out to the car: Kids, please don’t pull on the handle while mommy is trying to open the door. (As they are pulling on the handle) What did you say mom? ** Loud beeping sound as it retracts** STOP grabbing the handle! (As they are pulling on the handle) But, why? ** Loud beeping sound as it retracts** Step away from the car, before I lose it. (Again pulling on the handle) We’re just trying to help you! ** Loud beeping sound as it retracts** I walk to the door, slide both kids away from the door and open it.
I am also tired of answering questions that they fire at me while I am trying to drive, talk on the phone or just think. In the car, fired in rapid succession, “Mom, why did we have to go the store? Did you check to see if we had granola bars? If the cashier in the store is slow are you going to yell at them again? Hey – did you see that green car? Do you know the person that was driving the green car? Was it a man or woman driving the car? Do you think they are going to the store to get granola bars?” I actually just stressed myself out typing this, so imagine how I feel going 50 MPH and trying not to pass whatever destination I am heading towards.
Yes, I am tired and annoyed and we are only half way through summer. Don’t get me wrong, there are joyous moments too that I try to remember as I am losing my shit on a daily basis. There is no cure for Annoyeditis, but there is the fall to look forward to and booze as a bridge until then. For now, I need to go answer some mundane questions about wet grass and dry sidewalks, wish me luck!