We are five days into the neighborhood pools opening and I already have enough material to write about 15 separate blogs. I am not just talking about what people wear (or don’t wear), but how their children act and what “Rights” people think they have. We belong to a community, where we share resources and respect each other. At least that’s what it says in the proprietary guidelines, which I think most people missed reading.
I really just wish I knew what some people were thinking before they dressed and headed out to the PUBLIC pool. I feel first and foremost that I need to define the word public, which is not to be confused with the word pubic; however after seeing many people at our pool, I know it has been. The word public has been defined as, ‘open to all persons, or affecting a population of community’. It does not mean that you can forego shaving or that you should wear anything that allows us to see those areas reserved for your gynecologist. They get paid a lot of money to look at that, we don’t!
I admit I wear a one piece or one of those tankinis, where the top overlaps the bottom – You’re Welcome! There are many women that can still wear a bikini and look awesome (bitches), but there are even more that shouldn’t. There was a lady actually wearing a thong on Saturday, or maybe it was just a normal binkini that her ass sucked in. I don’t know and don’t care, still unacceptable. And here’s a tip for you, if you are going to shove yourself into a tiny bathing suit, enjoy a piece of fruit, don’t be the woman waving down Domino’s for your meat lover’s pizza, cheese bread and chocolate lava cake.
Now, I am all about men looking manly, but a little laser hair removal never hurt anyone. I have some tips to make pool time better for us all. If it looks like you brought your cat into the pool with you, it is time to shave or put on a shirt. If your belly hangs past your balls, it is time to put a shirt on. If you are covered with pimples that are festering, it is time to put a shirt on. Oh, and I don’t care how good of shape you are in, Speedo bikinis are for professional swimmers, not middle aged men.
This year I have bought myself a badge and will be enforcing my own pool toy martial law. Your kid hits me with their toy – it’s now mine and just try getting it back. Ever had an enema with a swim noodle? That is how you get your noodle back! In the five days since the pool has opened, my kids and I have been hit numerous times by dads trying to show their kids how bad their aim has gotten with middle age. Yesterday a ball hit my 6 year old in the face hard enough to bring tears to her eyes. After checking to see if she was ok, I turned around with the ball in my hand to see where it came from and when the person held up their hands I threw it as hard as I could in the opposite direction. I only wish I could have thrown it over the fence. Yes, my child is fine, thanks for NOT asking asshole!
For those of you that let your toddler wander into the pool while you chat with your friends or try to read a book, you are an idiot. It is important to know that the Lifeguards at our pool are not there to save your kid’s lives and have no vested interest in your children; sure they might feel bad for a day if something happened to your kid, but that’s about it. Their primary focus is to tell you the pool is too full for you to enter, yell at kids for running or eating on the pool deck and get awkward sunburns that make you question their intelligence. Watch your damn kids!
As you can see, I have plenty of things to say about our community pool and the ‘community’ that goes to the pool. That being said, I will be a regular with my kids since our teachers are too lazy to keep them all summer and now I have find ways to entertain them daily. Of course I will need to find ways of entertaining myself, which means I will be people watching and taking notes which will be coming to a Facebook near you soon.