It’s that time of the year again, the holidays are upon up much like flies on crap. My family embarks on all the usual traditions, including my least favorite (du du du) the Christmas card pictures. I don’t know why we put ourselves through this every year, it’s always the same results; a lot of kicking screaming, fighting, crying AND then the kids start in. We go through this painstaking process every year and then we are disappointed when things turn out exactly the way we thought they would. As I sit here typing this I am asking myself the same questions I do every year.
First, why do we make the kids dress up fancy and sit together? We aren’t fooling anyone, my kids never have perfectly coiffed hair and stain free clothes any other time, why start now? I am going to be completely honest, this year we bought them matching dresses (must have been a moment of weakness, stupidity or both) and I kept the tags on them and guess what? I am returning those bastards the first chance I get. That’s right, I said it, my kids wore them for less than 15 minutes and they are going right back to the store so some other idiot can buy them for their kids. I don’t make my kids dress up for the holidays because all it does it stress me out. The whole time they have on nice clothes, I am thinking they are going to permanently stain them or rip them when they start fighting over some benign subject like whose cookie is the biggest. If I am not stressing, they are complaining about how itchy they are and stretching out the collars until it looks like a top from Flash Dance.
Next, why do I expect them to get along? They don’t do it any other time of the day, unless they are both in trouble and plotting against mom and dad. Why do I think they are going to sit close to each other without hurting one another? Not gonna happen, it’s like putting a lion and lamb together and thinking the lamb will be anything less than a meal. I give directions like, “Sit close and put your heads together and smile”. I get a crack of heads and a smack from whoever could dole it out first and then some kind of MMA type fight breaks out and the hair is ratted and the dresses are torn and ornaments are flying off the tree.
This year we started our project on by getting the girls bathed and I took the time to blow dry their hair out with a round brush. That went over really well, as every stroke of the brush was met with an “Ow, you’re killing me” and I had to move around them so quickly to keep up with the sudden head jerks that it was like a full cardio workout. After God knows how long messing with that, I smoothed their hair with some greasy shit and got them dressed. We get them down in front of the tree and start bribing them with all the fun we are going to have if pictures go well, and for once they seem excited about it. Out comes the camera and my husband makes some disappointing noises followed by, “When was the last time YOU charged the camera?” That’s right folks, not even enough juice to squeak out one lousy picture.
I have to say that I am really not surprised about what happened and I am really not even disappointed anymore when my pictures don’t turn out. What gets me is the people that are able to pull off these perfect looking kids year after year, taunting us with their, “Look what I can do and you can’t” holiday wishes. I received a card the day after Thanksgiving of these two perfect looking boys. They were smiling and hugging and I could feel their happiness and all it did was piss me off. I used to take it as a challenge when I would get those perfect cards, now I know I am not going to win that battle so I just think evil thoughts about those people. I hope your kid gets his favorite toy, but it needs special batteries and you don’t have any in the house. Take that perfect family!
Ah, Christmas brings out the best in people, doesn’t it? Shopping, baking, hosting, decorating, wrapping – I don’t look forward to any of these, but I do them and I smile and I try to remember those few glimmers of happiness wedged into the 4 weeks of trauma and anxiety. I however have a new attitude this year; if you can’t beat ‘em, you can always talk behind their back or blog about them and that’s exactly what I intend to do. Blissful Holidays!