I gotta run downstairs for just a minute, okay I’m here why did I come down here? Dammit, back upstairs again, what room was I in last? Shit can’t remember, oh wait a sec, I was cleaning my bathroom. Back to the bathroom, realize I went to get a garbage bag, back downstairs. I’m here in the kitchen and I don’t remember why. I spin around a couple of times and think hard – DAMMIT, back upstairs again. Think, think harder, oh that’s right I need a garbage bag so I can finish cleaning the bathroom. This time I say garbage bag all the way downstairs until I get to the kitchen. Got it – I did it – I am amazing!!

Has this ever happened to you? Well it is a newly discovered disease in many women and thanks to the Internet, which allows me to diagnose both myself and anyone I wish within minutes, I have been able to determine the name of this disease; it is called Momzheimers.

I have been able to trace the initial symptoms back to when my second child was born and I have suffered this terrible disease for almost six years before I could put a name to it. It is not controllable and it most certainly is chronic, because as soon as our kids are old enough to stop killing our brain cells we will be old enough for all our shit to start falling apart anyway. I have done a lot of my own research with fermented grapes and still have not been able to cure my disease, although I should note that after enjoying the fermented grapes I do feel at ease for a bit. There is a bit of an upside to having this disease, I now fully count all those trips up and down the stairs as a complete workout and will use it in my phone app to reduce my caloric intake.

But it doesn’t stop there, I have gotten into my car and been thinking about my daughter’s deep cough earlier that morning and should I have kept her home or at least conferred with my good friend, Internet? I am thinking and wondering if the school will call and where I will be when they call and will I be able to get her to the doctor today or will they be booked solid already, AND the next thing I know I am a county away from where I intended to go. The other day I went to the store with the sole purpose of getting milk and came home with four bags of stuff and no milk.

How did I get here? How was this well-oiled, capable machine reduced to a sponge in a body? I feel the same way about current events. My husband, who spends all day in an office still has time to keep up with the news via blackberry or water cooler. He will come home and say, “Can you believe Michael Jackson died?” I sit there and think about if I know a Michael Jackson and if I am going to have to send a funeral arrangement and apparently the dumb look on my face is enough for my husband to grab the remote and spin me around so I can see he is talking about ‘The Michael Jackson’. Sometimes I am so embarrassed I just act as I should, “I know, it is crazy that ‘Event X’ has happened, my goodness!”

Even typing this blog is hurting my brain, as I know I am supposed to be doing something but have no clue what it is. If I get another crack at life I would like to come back as either a man or a computer, both good choices, both unaffected by emotional factors. It would be a nice change to breath evenly and not psycho-analyze every choice and action I take, maybe it would even make me a better mother? Doubtful, as the reason all of us women are as great as we are has a heck of a lot to do with what we accomplish every day, even with Momzheimers!


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