Morning After


I spent the better part of this morning in the front yard taking down the Halloween decorations, because really it is November 1 and I am ready to move on. I am a freak of nature when it comes to cleaning up and organizing, I feel the need to get everything taken down and put neatly away, almost as if it never really happened. And really how many times would we like to erase, at least partially, the day before? Let’s be honest with each other, holidays are wonderful, especially when you have children, but for every ounce of happiness there is an equal measure of pain in the ass.

Halloween is fun, but it is also a lot of effort for a couple hours of candy gathering, which I am going to get rid of as soon as my kids aren’t looking. We spent hours hanging decorations, hours yelling at the bastard neighbor kids to get off of them and hours taking them back down. You do the math but I figure there is no ROI and my effort far surpasses any true level of happiness we have received.

This year I had the added aggravation of having lice the previous week and trying to keep up with decontamination efforts. This is something I only wish upon June, as the mental aspect is actually worse than dealing with the situation. To me, my house should be as safe as an airline after a major crash or a prostitute after her weekly STD testing. But I am still walking around cleaning and looking at every piece of lint for legs. Lucky for me both kids had been wearing their costumes while they were contaminated, which of course means their costumes are contaminated. I was thrilled about this because both had head pieces that couldn’t be washed (you know, where the lice congregate). I finally would up putting their head pieces in plastic bags in the freezer for a couple of days, if they aren’t dead after that, then they deserve to live.

Holidays do weird things to kids, like making them extra spazzy. “Yes, you have to do your homework. Yes, you have to eat dinner. Yes, you still need a bath. No, your hamster can’t go trick or treating with you”. I was exhausted before getting them dressed, which by the way is another pain in the ass. Let’s see, you are supposed to be a genie, but you look like an Eskimo with the additional three layers of clothes I have to put on you. My youngest was supposed to be a black cat, but actually wound up looking like a grizzly bear when I was done with her. Why am I even wasting my money on costumes? You aren’t allowed to wear them to school and no one can tell what you are supposed to be with your winter coat on, so let’s just spray some glitter in your hair and save us all a lot of trouble.

Moving on….teenagers if you are going to go trick or treating you need to show some manners and wear a damn costume. I actually had some teens attack my candy cauldron when they thought no one was looking. I walked up behind them and scared the crap out of them and then made them clean up the mess they made. One of them even offered to give me some of his candy back. By the way, if you are smoking a cigarette while you ask me for candy, you can pretty much guess what my response will be and don’t get lippy and make me call your mother, cuz I will!

I also took a negative hit to my self esteem bank watching all the tiny girls in tiny costumes run around. I actually had dreams last night about getting my stomach stapled and doing continuous sit-ups. What a crap load way to spend my dreams, I want to have Neil Patrick Harris turn straight and serve me mojitos, not think of ways to make myself look better.

We ended the night with my 8 year old taking a header on the sidewalk because she decided to run in the dark with shoes that didn’t fit, so we did have real blood on Halloween. This morning we all woke up with what can only be described as “holiday hangover”. Too much fun, too much candy and too much spaz. There was crying, complaining and plenty of melting down. I am thinking now that I have everyone out of the house I should make myself a bloody mary and take a nap. Gotta get my bliss while I can.

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