I Wish…

It always starts out so sweet and innocent before it turns into crap. The conversation started something like this, “Mommy this is the best Oreo pie ever, it is SO yummy, I wish you weren’t so lazy and could make it every day”. “Oh sweetie, thanks I love making things for you and your sister……SCREECH….I’m sorry did you end your compliment by saying you wish I wasn’t so lazy?????” What the hell, what is the deal with these backhanded compliments? I ran through many responses in my head like, “I wish you and your sister behaved so I wouldn’t have to yell. I wish your father had to give birth rather than witness me giving it. I wish you had a balloon right now so I could pop it!”

I haven’t worked full-time in 2.5 years, but I do work two part-time jobs in addition to being constantly available to my kids. The concept of a job to a child is lost; daddy gets dressed up and drives to McLean every day, mommy wanders into the office in her PJ’s without combing her hair and logs onto the computer. This is not seen as real work, nor is child rearing or house cleaning. The other day we go out to lunch and my oldest child yells, “Mom it is your lucky day, Glory Days is hiring and you can finally get a real job!” Oh, just what I want, MORE people to wait on hand and foot. My husband , sensing my sudden desire to step in front of an oncoming vehicle, immediately chimes in about how my real job is taking care of them and making sure their needs are met. Her disbelief was apparent, “What???? That’s not a job, that’s what you are supposed to do!” Yes, I think, because we ALL always do exactly what we are supposed to do!

I also substitute at my kid’s school. Why you ask? Well because it keeps me near them and I don’t have to worry about paying for child care. Believe me, it’s not because I long to be around germ infested, nose picking, glue wiping kids. I get enough of that at home thanks very much. I do like to be at the school and I certainly do enjoy seeing all the smiling little faces, but sitting home on my fat ass watching Cops or Jerry Springer would suit me just fine.

So, what do I wish for? Well for one I wish that my kids didn’t come home with lice this week. This is another huge job to deal with, which really doesn’t count as a job in their eyes. I have done no less than 15 loads of laundry since Monday and sanitized so much that my hands are cracking and bleeding. This is in between working my job, grocery shopping, cooking meals, doing homework and whatever else has come along. I especially enjoyed calling my parents and thanking them again for driving the 550 miles to come visit us this past weekend, ending that with, “I would do a lice treatment before you get too comfortable at home, seeing how my kids slept with you guys all weekend while they had lice ”.

Guess what else I wish? I wish the genius that keeps sticking a knife with no less than ½ cup of peanut butter on it in the dish washer would knock it off. Peanut butter is sticky and gooey and when you can no longer see the blade of the knife it is safe to assume our 13 year old dishwasher is not strong enough to get it clean. I really love emptying the dish washer to find 12 other pieces stuck to that peanut butter knife and need to be soaked before I can even attempt to re-clean them. Do mommy a huge favor, leave it in the sink or the next time I am scrapping of what’s left to make your lunch!

I understand that 99.92% of what I do is not appreciated or recognized. I accept that, as I really don’t have a choice. I could however live without the sarcasm speckled comments that accompany all I do. There are many things I wish for and many things I would like, but I keep it to myself. I save my sarcasm for a-holes and the people that work fast food drive-thru windows. The one wish I did get was to have happy, healthy kids, and thank God for that, ungratefulness and all.


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