I am in need of some type of technical background that allows me to put a breathalyzer on my Facebook account. I have no clue on how to do this and can’t find any instructions for dummies on the Internet. I started by putting a straw in the CD Rom, but that did not work out at all. I then tried holding my half drank glass of wine up to the web cam and didn’t get any better results. What has Bill Gates been doing all these years if he can’t come up with something like this? We can send a man to the moon, we can cure disease and make Angeline Jolie look like a saint, but I can’t get my computer to recognize when my blood alcohol level is .05 or higher and take away my typing privileges?

There is an excellent reason I need this system. I like my vino and half a glass gets me both giddy and overly honest. For my long time readers you are aware of my constant questioning of accepting the friend request of my nemesis, “June”. Sure June is nice, our kids play together, but I have to bite my tongue when I am around her. I also have the added grief of replaying every conversation I have with her in my head to ensure what I said won’t be the reason for ending the kid’s play dates. For the most part, I am pretty good about it, until you factor in FB.

I also need a bitchalyzer for FB and my email, maybe even my cell phone. I need it to be able to determine how close I am to my cycle and start filtering my comments. I tell you what, there are times I reread something I wrote and think, ‘What a bitch!’ I am a good hearted gal and I am usually pretty positive, but you add in a hormone cocktail and I am no longer responsible for what I think or type. I am all about accountability until it comes to this, where I flip accountability off along with whoever else is standing there.

Let’s not stop here, what was Steve Jobs doing before his death that he couldn’t hook a breathalyzer up to iTunes. That is just socially irresponsible on his part. I would really rather not wake up and find that I have purchased $65 in songs that I used to roller skate to 30 years ago. Who downloaded Atomic Dog and White Lines at 1:53AM last night? Who the eff is De La Soul and Easy-E? I guess the good news is that next time I am having a glass of wine I will be thrilled when those songs pop up in my mix.

So if anyone has an idea on how to help me out, please give a holler. One of you must know a guy that belonged to the “Never-touch-a-booby” tribe in high school that I can hire for minimum wage to write some kind of computer jibberish program that will do exactly what I need. For now, enjoy my bliss, even you June!


2 responses to “Filterless

  • Helene McOwen

    gosh… you are hilarious, and you brighten my day everytime I read you 🙂


  • Amy Heer

    LOL! I used to take Ambien nightly, due to some nasty insomnia, and if I didn’t go to bed right away…look out! Some crazy ass emails and FB posts were sent. Not straight-jacket crazy, just “I love you, man” crazy.

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