Vagina Dialogues


It is not a surprise that I am inept when it comes to technical things. I can use a computer and do normal stuff that any trained monkey can handle, but please don’t ask me how I did it or assume I have a clue what you are talking about when you are telling me something technical. This especially goes for my husband that comes home after a long, hard day at the office and tries to tell me what he did. I listen and I nod my head, but I have no freaking idea what he is talking about. It’s sad to think that in this age of electronic wonderment, I am the intellectual equal of my kid’s hamster.

I am really struggling with my new cell phone. Now when I say ‘new’, I mean like 6 months old and I am still trying to figure out the functions. My husband is continually telling me how easy it is, which doesn’t irritate me at all or make me want to put a salad without dressing in his lunch. It is easy to some people, those would be the techies and anyone age 18 and under. I am still trying to figure out how when I dropped my keys and phone on the steps they landed just the right way to make a phone call to my husband. Once again leaving me to explain that I don’t know how it happened and me feeling his virtual eye roll through the phone connection.

My biggest issue with the phone is the auto correct function that I can’t seem to ever shut off or disable. It’s not just that it takes a word and makes an educated guess, it comes up with obscure and in many cases obscene alternatives. The primary word that it seems to be focused on is vagina. Say it with me, vagina! I don’t walk around saying this word, I mean who does except gynecologists and weirdos? I will get a text about a potential happy hour and when I respond with “sounds great” I get a text back asking why I called them a vagina. This hasn’t just happened once or twice, but enough times to cause me anxiety over using my phone. I don’t even want to try to text the people I work with for fear of some type of sexual harassment case. All I can picture in my head is someone asking me for an estimate of hours and me responding with something like “3.5 vaginas”.

My husband’s theory is that I am a fast talker and have a mid-west accent and I need to slow down and speak more clearly. Once again, doesn’t irritate the shit out of me to hear that. It’s not just the word vagina that’s always creeping up in my text dialogue, my phone is also hooked on putting ‘New York’ in any time it doesn’t know what I am saying. The other day I texted someone that “I will pick up the kids and take them home” and my phone thinks it will be funny to change ‘home’ to ‘New York’. Now my friend is thinking that I may have abducted her kid for a road trip to New York. Let’s be honest, I don’t want to take my own kids on a road trip to New York (or anyplace else) and no offense but someone else’s kids would not provide additional incentive for me. I have never been to New York, I don’t talk about New York, but somehow my phone thinks I should be using New York more often in my dialogues.

The most ironic thing about this auto correct situation is that when I do use a swear word it changes it for me. The other day I got a smart ass text from a good friend and I responded with the F word back to her and my phone changed the word to “#### you”. Now I am pissed off because my message lost its entire meaning, I would almost prefer it to change it to “vagina you”. I am one of those people that likes to swear for effect, it’s my thing and I am not changing it. I want my phone to respect that fact and allow me to use my First Amendment Rights any way I damn well please.

So please don’t be offended if you get a strange text from me that either doesn’t make sense or makes you feel dirty. It is not my fault that my aging brain is not able to make sense of simple technology. Hope you have a New York Vagina kind of day!

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One response to “Vagina Dialogues

  • Rev. Dave O.

    That was one of Maguire’s favorite words. He always tried to insert it into a conversation. Let me know if you hear from him. Better yet, text him; he’ll love it.

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