Cell Phone Police

I am on a serious path to Congress to lay down some new laws for cell phone users.  I am not one to chat on the phone very long, I am busy, I always have a kid pulling at my leg or a load of laundry piled up somewhere.  I like to socialize but I want to do it in person, preferably with a drink in one hand.  For quick questions I am all about texting or email.  It’s like sex; you get in, you get out and you’re done.  I don’t have the need to make small talk just to find out if I can set up a play date; can your kid come over at 2 tomorrow…yes or no?  That’s it!  I don’t care about the weather, I don’t know what the current gallon of gas costs and I don’t even know what has been on TV seen Seinfeld went off the air.


I don’t get why people have the need to have a cell phone glued to their ear at all times and be having conversations all day long.  This is not to be confused with carrying a cell phone because you’re concerned about your kids, we all do that.  I mean talking to whoever will pick up your call and not having any reason or goal to have made the phone call in the first place.  Who needs to talk that damn much?  Aren’t you concerned about the long term effects of cell usage turning into lock jaw or a brain tumor.  I sure the hell am!


What gets me the most is the people that interrupt my life so they can have a conversation about nothing.  Yesterday the lady at the grocery store could not even complete her transaction because she was too busy chatting on the cell phone.  Well, guess who’s behind your dumb ass?  That’s right, it’s me and I have no tolerance for people that are too stupid or too inconsiderate to get out of my way.  Even McDonald’s now has a sign that warns you to turn your cell phone off if you want your order right.  Apparently it doesn’t matter for the McD’s in SR because the order is never right, they must just assume we are all on cell phones.


And what about these joggers on the phone?  I can’t even jog and hold my bladder, who can or wants to carry on a phone conversation?  I am all about multi-tasking; I cook dinner, help with homework, pack the next day’s lunches all while yelling at the kids.  You know why?  Because I have to, it is not a conscious choice that I make, it is a matter of survival.  Nothing about jogging and talking on the cell phone seems critical to me.  I really love the people in the doctor’s office that feel the need to have a LOUD conversation for everyone to hear about their dog or their cousin’s white trash boyfriend that is trying to figure out how to get on Jerry Springer.  Of course they miss hearing the nurse call them back three times and go complain when they have had to sit there too long.  If it was my office, they would be forced to leave.


So my rules are simple and I hope Congress will back me on them.  One:  Cell phones are for important and necessary conversations only.  Two:  Cell phones are banned for people that like to hear themselves talk or that irritate other people on a regular basis.  Three:  Devices will be installed that automatically turn the phone off when entering any place where other people are present.  Four:  No Bluetooth shit!  Five:  Mandatory removal of cell phones for anyone that is reported on my cell hotline 1-800-DUMB-ASS.  Six:  Mandatory jail time for anyone that holds up a line or cuts you off in traffic because they were on the phone.


I am very serious and I hope you will join me in my quest for instilling cell phone etiquette.  I am thinking about starting a class for abusers where people are locked in and I get to destroy their cell phones in front of them while they are being held down.  So please, don’t be an annoying cell phone user and if you are then please stay the hell out of my way.


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