Red, White & Blitzed


Time to get ready for the holiday weekend.  We will be heading to MI to visit our families and friends and really looking forward to the ten hour drive.  It ’s something you never quite get used to, especially when you are traveling with small children.  I have finally worked out a system of stopping to go potty and limiting fluids, it works pretty well for the most part, but it’s not perfect.  We still have the occasional emergency stop on the side on the road and there is always the chance there will be a urine spill from the port a potty.

Tonight is the annual celebration in our neighborhood which promises to be a good time.  There is a parade that you can participate in, live music and a beer and wine tent along with food and treats for the kiddies ending with a beautiful firework display.  They will also be selling overpriced light up items that will be broken before the fireworks even start.  Last year, we participated in the parade when it was about 100 degrees.  That was a great start to the family fun, my husband decided to wait with the kids and walk with them while I went and scouted out an area for our chairs.  Imagine if you will, a man having to wait in that heat while someone tried to organize a parade of small children, and having our own children whine every 3 seconds about the heat and how thirsty they are.  By the time they got down to where I was waiting for them, I think my husband may have actually have been hot enough to have smoke coming off of him.  Good family fun!

Today I am trying to get everything done so we can enjoy the night and head out on our long journey tomorrow.  I gave the three of us final lice treatments and was thrilled to find nothing in any of our hair.  I then had to clean the animal’s cages and start dying my hair so I don’t get confused with one of the carnies selling trinkets later.  I love dying my own hair at home, it is so relaxing.  I gave the kids the warning that I was going to begin and to tell me if they needed anything before I start.  Nope, all is perfect in their world….until I get halfway through dying my roots.  “Mom, I am starving.  Mom I need you to check my butt to make sure I got it all.  Mom, we want to go play outside now.  Mom, the world is coming to an end.”  I only need 25 minutes, but it seems like four hours from beginning to end with them home.  I still have to finish packing, go to the store and bank and I would love to squeeze in a pedicure.  In order to do that, I have to gets the kids nails done and between them screwing up the nail polish and asking for touch ups and irritating the owner by continually turning on the massage chairs, I will have had to apologize 200 times and give a 50% tip to make it up to them.

The kids are overjoyed to be going to spend time with our families and the excitement will be followed by exhaustion and continuous meltdowns throughout the trip.  They cry, we get pissed off and the grandparents get upset with us for screaming at the kids and making them cry harder.  I think once you become a grandparent you forget about all those times you screamed at your own kids and gave them a good old backhand

I am planning some type of June assault for this evening.  I bought some noise makers, including the snappers which her children are forbidden to touch and I will let the kids whack them against whatever hard surface they can locate around June’s perfectly pressed red, white and blue blanket.  At some point I may even let the kids pop them off their foreheads just to heighten her anxiety, she is going to need a second Xanax to get through this evening.  I will sit back with my glass of wine and pretend to be appalled with my kids, “No, Stop, Don’t!”, even after I have instructed them where to stand and what to do.

I am taking a break from my blog for the week, but I will be updating my fan page on Facebook with my snarky comments regularly.  Stalkers, please do not break in to steal my underwear while I am gone, it will probably be stacked up in the dirty laundry anyway.  Be smart, be safe and have fun this weekend, however,  if you do anything stupid or mind-blowing drop me a line so I can blog about it when I return.

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