Public Fear

I have always been nervous around public play areas, I feel like the germs are crawling towards me and I have a general fear of the unwashed.  At the top of my list are Chuck E. Cheese, amusement parks and water parks.  Today I got to take the kids to a water park and I could feel my anxiety mounting as they excitedly talked about it all morning.  I know they love it and I know I love them to be happy so I force myself to endure these types of outings.  If I am ever Miss America and they ask about what charitable things I have done in my life I will proudly announce, “I have gone to water parks…for the children”.


My kids have an issue with touching things and then finding some reason to put their hands near their eyes, nose or mouths.  Here is how my conversations go with them, “Stop touching the railing, stop touching the counters, stop touching stuff, get your hand away from your mouth, get your finger out of your mouth, get your hand away from your lips!!!”  What is the correlation with touching germs and touching the face?  I am so completely grossed out the entire time and exhausted from continually asking them to stop.  They always wind up in tears as I finally smack the hand away from the mouth and they claim I am beating them.


At most places you can see people close, but at the water parks and pools they are so close to naked it is scary.   I think what gets me the most are the oozing zits all over people’s bodies.  Seriously take a look or ask a friend to check; if a bump is a white, green or black head, please pop that bastard so I don’t have to stand behind you figuring out ways to push you towards the railings to get it to pop for you.   I would rather see a bloody scab that a pustule, at least I know you put some effort into getting rid of it.  All I can picture is that you are about to go down the same slide as my kid, and they will be gliding through your back pus.  Some people had so many that you couldn’t even see their skin anymore.  There should be some kind of pool law that keeps you away until you clear up, or maybe a pool with Clearasil or Proactiv that those individuals can soak in for a while.


I also despise walking around bare foot everywhere along with everyone else.  When I am standing in line I am carefully observing everyone’s feet and making a mental map of where their feet touched so I can step in another path.  I take pride in my feet and when they don’t look great I hide them in closed toes shoes.  If my toenail was green or yellow and looked to have been gnawed on by a small rodent I would not be walking around advertising my nasty feet.  Also, if your feet are so dry they resemble an alligator, snake or reptile of sorts, cover them up.  No shame in getting some water shoes when a pedicure clearly isn’t enough.


Don’t even get me started on the swimsuits that people select for themselves; the only rationale explanation is that they are legally blind or have some reasoning disorder.  I am not talking about just adults, I am talking about teens that have spent way too much time playing video games and texting their friends to partake in a reasonable amount of exercise and then they feel like a string bikini is a good idea.  Let me be clear, it’s not, never will be.  Even when you are super chesty and feel that it will take the focus off your gut, you need to resort to Plan B:  Cover Up!


I realize I sound like some prissy bitch that thinks she is too good for everyone else.  Not true, just gross or dirty people.    Judge me if you will, laugh if you can, otherwise just ignore me and live your life.


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