4th of Dumb

I love summer time; the warm weather, the relaxed schedules, the time with the kids (well sort of) and all the fun events that fill the summer months.  I really love the 4th of July, and not because I am super patriotic or love fireworks, what I really enjoy hearing about are all the idiots that get their hands on illegal fireworks and do some dumb ass shit.  I wish I had a cop scanner this time of the year so I could hear all the gory details.  I would prop myself in a comfy chair with a drink and laugh myself into a frenzy.  Now, don’t think I like to hear about people being hurt, I don’t, but I can’t help finding humor in witnessing Darwinism.


A few years ago I worked with a guy who was lighting off fireworks with his kids and had a bad accident.  Thankfully nothing happened to the kids (not their fault they got stupid sperm and will most likely do the same thing in 15 years), but he got third degree burns and lost an eye.  I want to know what goes through these people’s minds when they are doing this, especially bringing your kids out to help you light them.  We teach our kids not to play with matches or fire and then turn around and give them something that can blow off a finger, “Here, hold this while daddy lights it and then throw it real fast like”.  You know where my kids would throw them?  Most likely towards me!


I really wish People magazine would dedicate one issue to “Morons With Fireworks”, I would actually start subscribing again.  I can imagine the pages filled with idiots that felt putting a stick of dynamite into a Coke bottle and throwing it into the air over a crowd was a good idea, or lighting off Roman Candles toward  their house and then being surprised the roof caught on fire, “Oh my goodness, the house is burning, Jeb, get the shine before it really goes up!”  These people are the Steve Irwin’s of fireworks, ‘Let’s see how many times I can stick my thumb up this deadly snake’s rectum before it actually bites me’.   Same thing with fireworks, they have one safe occurrence and they feel they can go around handling TNT with mittens.


To me, it is just like watching reality TV; watching, waiting for something bad to happen and then cheering when it does.  I realize that some people will never get it until something bad actually happens to them.  I have watched people hand a blazing sparkler to a toddler and let them run with it.  Let’s see, fire hot metal poker and running, yep seems fine to me.  These are the same folks that roll their eyes at the overprotected parents and think to themselves, animals turn their young loose in the wild when they are a day old and so should we.  It is also legal to hunt animals but unless you live in a third world country or West Virginia the same doesn’t go for people.


It’s the little things that make me smile; the holiday picnics, hearing the oohs and aahs of my kids as they watch the fireworks, the continuous replay of the moron that put an M-80 down his pants to see if it could really make him sterile (Lord, let’s hope it works for those idiots).   Ah, good times and great memories, there’s really nothing like the holidays!


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