I have been working on my platform for PTA President for next year. While I have no serious interest in holding this position and dealing with the parents, teachers and drama, I have decided to address some of the areas I would improve if I were elected as PTA President. As President I would take a strong stand in areas that are important to me and a board would be established to help develop and police the new PTA rules. Failure to comply will result in banning you from future meetings and talking behind your back.
First and foremost, I would veto any hair-brained idea that causes extra work for people (mostly me). This includes abolishing crazy hair day, inside out day, pajama day, or irritate the shit out of my mom day. Teacher Appreciation Week is high on my list for redesign as well. I get a day for being a mom 24/7, 365 days a year, teachers have my kids less than 5 hours a day when you deduct lunch and specials – they are getting one day and I am being damn generous with that. Volunteer Appreciation Day is also gone, if you need to be thanked for volunteering then don’t do it. ‘Turn off the TV Week’ is now considered foolish, why would anyone intentionally fire their free babysitter?
Next, there will be a dress code for the parents, as you are representing the children of our school and more importantly, ME. No elastic waist band pants – I am assuming since you have kids in elementary school you are not over 60 and therefore should not even own these. The only exception to this rule is if you are pregnant or gave birth in the prior 6 weeks. No mumu’s either, buy a damn sundress or a skirt, if I see a mumu, you’re out for good. No ill-fitting clothes will be allowed and jewelry is strongly recommended. I also will give serious notice to those of you wearing something that looks like it came from your grandmother’s closet (polyester). Oh, and you skinny bitches need to stop wearing low cut tops, mini skirts and tight jeans. This is PTA not a nightclub, we average size women have enough to focus on, we don’t need to be thinking about crash diets and our husbands cheating on us every time you show up at a meeting looking like Paris Hilton.
Third, appearance is key if you want to be taken seriously. Stop going to the barber shop for a women’s haircut and don’t let anyone who looks like Betty White or Cloris Leachman do it either. Frosting is forbidden; welcome to 2011 we do something called highlighting and it doesn’t make you look like a stripper from 1980. Glasses need to be approved by the board and contacts are highly recommended. Glasses that covers more than 25% of your face are restricted. Make-up should be natural looking and bring out your beauty, any color that looks better on a clown is prohibited and for goodness sake stay away from bright blue!
Well, that’s a start anyway. I think you would agree that these are very important policies that would make a big difference in our educational system. Ok not so much, but they would make me feel better and isn’t that just as important? Rest assured that I will not be running for PTA President or any other important post or committee, I would rather sit back, watch and poke fun.