“Stop squeaking that damn frog while I drive! I said STOP! I am not kidding! I can’t concentrate and I am going to go off the road if you squeak it one more time!” SQUEAK!!! Stupid treasure box toys from school, not only does she pick out some warty looking frog, it has to also make a delightful squeak every time you squeeze it. In the five minutes it takes to get home from school I am ready to drive the car into a tree, or at least a mailbox. When we finally do get home and get homework started, the frog is squeaking every 20 seconds (because that’s how long it takes to fill back up with air before it can squeak again). I finally take it away and tell her that she is on “frog probation”. This leads to one on the longest meltdowns I have witnessed and she actually followed me from room to room sobbing and reminding me how she wants to live somewhere else. It gets to the point where I feel my hair falling out and my eye is on super twitch and the doorbell rings. The kids across the street want my kids to come swim in their blow up pool. Yes, Please! In fact, ask your mom if she wants to keep them for the long holiday weekend, because I would miss them, but I would deal with it somehow (evil smile).
The longer days and the sun are wreaking havoc on my kids. They cannot possibly shut their eyes when there is a sliver of light outside and they are playing much longer and harder outside in this heat and they are wrecked by 8:00PM. As am I, I actually was going to have a mono test this week because even with a Starbucks iced coffee I am done before dusk. Add to that the pool opens tomorrow and my kids will swim until they are falling asleep in the pool and when we have to leave the pool we will go into nuclear meltdown mode. Let’s not forget it is a holiday weekend and we get an extra day of this wonderment.
I have one goal for this weekend. We are taking “froggy” to the pool and I am going to somehow make sure that the mom with the perfect kids gets to take it home with her. I refer to perfect mom as June. You know the one, always present while my kid bashes the other one over the head with a tennis racquet or uses a swear word for the first time. Yes, she is right there with me to witness and quickly respond with a story about how her children have been taught to never hit or use naughty words or speak without being spoken to (bitch)!
We will mourn over the loss of froggy, I may even replace it with a ice cream cone dipped in sprinkles. But as the evening rolls in and I sit on my front porch in my comfy chair with my glass of Merlot, I will fantasize about June being ousted from her perfect world by froggy. It doesn’t take much to make me happy, just a little vino and the thought of June being tortured by the constant squeak of her perfect child’s new found toy.
For now I have the logistics to deal with. If I get froggy to June on Saturday, then there is still the chance she could figure out where it came from and give it back to us Sunday or Monday. BUT, if I give June froggy on Sunday and then pull a switch and go to the other pool on Monday I think I am safe. I cannot risk getting froggy back, that would erase all the good of giving it to June in the first place. Details, details….
I am going to enjoy this weekend, I may even fake a migraine so I can get in a nap at some point. All the fine points of ‘Plan Froggy’ are rolling into my head and are like a strong aphrodisiac, I am high on life right now! Enjoy your weekend, if you wind up with a squeaking frog somehow, I have no clue how it got there!