Who Put the P in Pool?


My kids are in the process of trying out for the Mini Rays, our neighborhood swim team.    Once again, I have fallen victim to having my kids ‘keep up with the Jones’ and have signed them up for yet another activity.   So I will be sitting on the sidelines with the other proud parents, cheering, and wishing I was home with a dirty martini.  And yes, this is just one more thing that I have added to my list of things that I can bitch about.  I am not a fan of public pools, never have been, and if it wasn’t for having children and needing a reason to keep them occupied, I wouldn’t be anywhere near one.

I have been taking the kids to the Rec Center to get them to practice and have them swim the required 25 yards without stopping.   Heaven forbid my kids not being able to do what other kids can.  My 7 year old is good to go, but my 5 year old is still working on it.  When I say swim, she starts doing anything except, and here is where my frustration begins.  I know she can do it, by the end of last summer she could do 2 laps without breaking, but of course I wasn’t asking her to do it then.  My only saving grace is that an unfamiliar person will be asking her to do it at the trials and she will gladly listen to a complete stranger over her parents.

My problem with public pools is simple, they are used by the public.  Here is where the most simple rule is violated; treat someone else’s property as you would treat your own.  I have seen more than my share of parents realizing they “forgot” the required swim diaper and stick their kids in the pool anyway, as they assume all will be fine.  Guess what I have been witness to enough situations to know all will not be fine.  For a long time I wondered why the kiddee pool was so much warmer than the lap pool, well I know why and it is the equivalent to swimming in the toilet bowl.

I have a memory of taking my kids to a water park that will haunt me until I die.  The toddler pool was full of young children along with my 3 year old and 15 month old.  I was so proud as my 3 year old had been experimenting with keeping her head under water and swimming around.  Suddenly she comes up and puts her hand out and I instinctively open my hand out and she drops in a nice squishy turd.  When I realized what it was I screamed, “POOP in the pool” and literally tossed the poop over my head.  You would have thought there was a killer shark in the pool with us.  I start waving my hands around and yelling to evacuate, I may have even called in a swat team.  I picked both kids up, handed the youngest to my husband and ran to the bathroom to scrub and shower.  I felt so violated and disgusted I thought a law should be put in place to make these poop vandal parents wear a tattoo for life stating, “My Kid Puts the Poo in Pool” or “Proud Parent of a Pool Pooper”!

The last time I was witness to a pool poop emergency and told the lifeguard they brought in a special team to investigate.  They actually had two guys put on goggles and swim down to get a close up.  They then came up for a meeting where they were still unsure what it was, so they called in a manager to confer.  Are you serious?  What the hell do you think it is?  It is brown and long and on the bottom of the kid’s pool.   If it takes this much work to figure it out just reach down and pick it up and give it a feel.

I feel as if this is an intelligence indicator for me.  Not only have I enrolled my kids in yet another time consuming activity, but I have placed them in my nemesis.   However, I have given them proper ‘poop in the pool training’ and they know to swim away as others attempt to get a closer look.  It is a small survival technique, but right up there with not drowning or playing on the highways.  Stay tuned for my upcoming blogs; “The Kid Who Cried Poop” and “Parents of the Poopers”.

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