The kids are driving me crazy to take them to the movies this week. According to them, I promised them I would take them to see that movie about the girl getting her arm bit off by the shark. Somehow in their minds when they ask, “Will you take us to the movies?’ and I respond, “Huh? Not sure, we’ll see” that is a promise to take them. It is not a promise, I have done the research and ‘huh’ and ‘not sure’ does not imply anything close to a yes. In fact, I have some lawyer friends that I have asked and they back me up on this, anything less than a yes in writing does not imply (insert legal term here). Meanwhile my kids are on-line trying to get their law degrees so they can argue with me some more.
Let me tell you the whole shark movie thing is not a great idea. My kids can easily find enough excuses to come into my bed in the middle of the night and I don’t need to hear, “Mom, I am sure there is a shark under my bed”. There are no monsters, bad men, creepy clowns or sharks under the bed, I can guarantee it. I also don’t need the kids acting all wussy around the pools and my in-laws lake this year. I remember watching Jaws, and the even worse Piranha, and not going near water of any kind for like two years. I wouldn’t even take a bath, because it makes total sense that a piranha might come up from the drain and chew my foot off. I have enough of a hard time convincing them that dark colored diving sticks are not ‘poo’, I don’t need to add killer shark to the list of ridiculous fears.
I have to be honest, I have another reason I don’t want to take them to the movies, the cost! Even a trip to the matinee is now $40 and God forbid it is in 3D, because you can add another $3 each to get plastic glasses that don’t stay on your kid’s heads. By the way, I am not recycling them after the movie I am throwing them in the trash and hoping the manager has to dig for them. In fact, I may let my kids chew up some starburst or whatever chewy candy I paid $5.50 for and spit that into the recycling bin with the other glasses.
Now as if the cost of the matinee is not high enough, the concession stand will actually accept blood or your first born child (very tempting) to get snacks. $8.50 for a bucket of popcorn that costs about .37, what is the profit margin on that? My popcorn bucket is getting its own seat in the theater and not moving and I hope the usher comes to ask me about it, “Excuse me miss, can you move your popcorn and make some room for this family?” “Hell no, ask them to sit with the family whose mom was smart enough to sneak Orville Redenbacher in her purse, her popcorn isn’t entitled to its own seat”.
I am even happier about the ‘small’ drink that is 75 ounces and costs $6.00. How much can soda cost, fifteen cents? What is small about a drink larger than a Super Big Gulp? That makes a hell of a lot of sense, I get my kid’s a small 75 oz drink and they have to pee three times during the movie, which means I probably have to pay to see the movie again. It has gotten to the point that 10 trips to the movies is the equivalent of a trip to Disney.
I feel kind of entrepreneurial all of a sudden. Here I sit looking for work and I could be inviting your kids over to watch a movie in my basement and making a fortune. So, if your kids come and ask for $25 this week it is probably because I am showing a bootleg copy of Rio in my basement.
Have a happy Wednesday, you deserve it!