Wardrobe, Please!

I am a klutzy, klutzy girl.  Anyone that knows me even moderately well knows this to be true. I struggle to be balanced standing on two feet, I spill more than my kids and I am certain that my insurance company has someone on special assignment to follow me around and move objects out of the way. I like to think that it is charming and adds a little something special to my personality, at least that’s what I tell myself every time I trip on a flat surface, break something or have a wardrobe malfunction. I cannot even recall how many glasses I have broken, but my husband was savvy enough to buy me plastic wine goblets for Mother’s Day this year.

Talk about a fantastic gift, yesterday after trying to balance the goblet in between my thighs by the stem I had some kind of spasm which had me covered in Merlot and sent my plastic goblet bouncing halfway down the sidewalk. Now for some odd reason a glass of wine later I tried the same maneuver and had the same outcome. At that point I decided I was keeping the shirt on until bed time, as I was not going to have a third shirt drenched with red wine in less than 60 minutes. This is the story of my life, and it is quite amazing that I am not hospitalized on a regular basis. I generally just wind up with extra laundry and some bruises that I can’t explain. However, I have had numerous wardrobe catastrophes that are fun to share.

One morning on the way to the office I realized I was very low on gas and swung into a very busy gas station, off a very busy road during rush hour. I have to admit I looked really good that day; I was wearing a suit and heels for a meeting. It was a cold morning and as I was pumping gas it seemed to get even colder. I noticed several people giving me the once over and remember thinking I must really look great today, however the last guy to give me the once over started to laugh as he walked by. Looking down I realized why it seemed so cold suddenly, somehow the elastic in my hose had given out and the black hose I was wearing were now completely around my ankles. What to do? For some odd reason I bent over and pulled them back up instead of taking them off and throwing them away. Let me add that this was before pay at the pump and I actually had to go inside to pay for my gas. Holding my hose up to my waist I shimmied into the gas station, paid for my gas and shimmied back out. I avoided that gas station for quite some time.

Another suit and heels day on my way to yet another meeting, I stopped by the bathroom so I could survive a two hour meeting. As I was flushing I noticed a flurry or string and I realized that somehow the thread from the seam of my skirt had gone into the toilet and since restroom toilets flush at about 1,000 RPM I was watching my hem unravel down the toilet. I suddenly grabbed the string (without thinking) and started pulling it back and then realized, what am I going to do with the string once I pull it out of the toilet that I just peed in? It’s not like I have a sewing machine (or the skills) to repair an entire hem. ABORT! I started reverse reeling and when the toilet was done flushing I looked down to see my knee length skirt about 5 inches longer where my hem completely hung down. To get through the day I found some packing tape and tapped it back up and as I walked around the office the rest of the day I made a scrunch -scrunch sound with every step. I kept looking around and saying out loud, “I wonder what that noise is?” so people would not think it was me.

I think we have all had one of those days where we just want to look sexy; we need to feel like we still got it, even if we don’t. On one of those days, I elected to wear a wrap dress to work. Now, I really should know better with my history but the stubborn part of me said, “What can happen, it’s just a dress and you are going to work, not out dancing. You will be just fine!” Of course, the common sense part of me was on vacation or a bender somewhere, so I just went with the stubborn me. I have a habit of carrying too many things in the morning; purse, lunch sack, attaché, coffee and bottled water (not a good idea for a clumsy girl). Somehow my lunch bag rubbed against the tie part of the dress forcing it to untie, I didn’t even make it across the parking lot without the dress coming untied and offering up a peep show to any passerby. And of course I had no clue until the female security guard nodded towards my chest as I cleared the entrance.

I have this bit of optimism that my clumsiness will one day vanish and I will be full of grace. The common sense part of me tells me I am full of something for thinking that, but I am a glass half full kind of girl and I will hold onto that tiny glimmer of hope. Besides, being clumsy isn’t so bad, makes you fun to watch and gives you some great stories to share.


One response to “Wardrobe, Please!

  • ancientgramma

    Lyn, todays post is a testament to the fact that you and I are related. Merlot, wardrobe casualties on a regular basis, and even the glass (of wine, of course) being half full all the time. But I have the one thing you don’t yet…age and more experience. So let me tell you this: the clumsiness doesn’t go away, but the adorableness stays.
    Love you.
    Auntie Sharon

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