The Longest Miles


 The road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I am not sure what the roads between Virginia  and Michigan are paved with, but I was glad to make it 550 miles with all four tires still intact.  Not to mention my sanity after traveling for 9.5 hours with my darlings.  I like to think of each road trip as an adventure; looking at the positive, pointing out new and interesting things, humming along to Sponge Bob.  Well ok, that lasts as long as my caffeine buzz , then it losses that initial shine and I start counting down the minutes until I can deliver my little angels to grandma and grandpa.  That thought alone allows me to continue driving, even after I have heard from both children how much smarter the GPS is than me at least 400 times and how cheap I am for not letting us take a plane.

This trip included a bonus of both kids telling me about 200 miles into the trip they were feeling sick.  Generally this means, they have passed an ice cream shop or McDonald’s and are waiting for me to ask if there is anything that will make them feel better.  “Well yes mommy, I need a milkshake or a Happy Meal to make me feel better”.   This time was a bit different, after the 27th time of hearing this I pulled into  the toll stop and rushed them into the building,  Just as we got to the center of the food court where all the traveling families were enjoying lunch, child one projectile vomits.  I am irritated, at the situation not at her, but she feels it and starts sobbing.  I get her into the bathromm and have her take off her Crocs and stand on paper towels while I wash the vomit off of the shoes and clean up her face.  At this point child #2 realizes that she was standing a bit close to sissy and has vomit sprayed on her pants, so she starts screaming at her for being disgusting and asking me to punish her sister.

I have to go get a Starbucks to keep myself going.  Starbucks always pissses me off, they always have one clerk, excuse me, I mean “Barista” working.  This is a dedicated stop on the toll road where 500,000 cars are driving by and you have one barista working?  If you are going to charge $5 for a cup of coffee do not tell me you can’t have baristaS!  Then there is always the a-hole that orders the, ‘Grande, half caf, no sugar, no whip, no flavor, no calorie drink’ and takes his sweet time carefully stating each point to avoid mistakes.  At this point all I want to do is yell, “Please give this dumb MF’er a $5 cup of hot water and move him along.  My kid can puke on demand and I am seconds away from giving her the go ahead”.   We are all on road trips here, not at a café in Europe , get your coffee and get out of my way.

Of course, we had to stop at McDonald’s for what my kids think is nourishment, but I know is as close to real food as my chance at waiting patiently and not wanting to throttle the smiling cashier.  I would like to point out that the jackhammer at the drive-thru in front of me has ordered so much food that I know there is a strong chance they are going to be out by the time I order.  If you are going to order one of everything and one drink, we know it is all for you.  Get your fat ass out of the car and go order inside.  You obviously need the exercise and they are going to have you pull ahead for eternity while they prepare your mammoth order, so please kill two birds with one stone and get your heart rate over 60 while you go and get the last Big and Tasty.

I am reading this and thinking, “Wow, travel makes me bitchy”.  Well, it does and it doesn’t.  When I tell my family about it and hear them laughing, I realize this is something to blog about.  So thank goodness for crappy travel, unruly kids, dumb asses and puke – it’s where true bliss comes from.

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