Let me start out by saying, I hate homework. Oops, I have told my kids that hate is too strong a word and they must replace it with “strongly dislike”, so I strongly dislike homework. To me, homework is punishment for the parents and it is the teacher’s way of getting even with us for having our little lovelies 7 hours a day. I get it, I really do. I also understand the need for redundancy in writing out spelling words to memorize them, but what gets me is the, “Take each word and find three words that rhyme with it” exercise.
I sincerely hope that I am not the only parent in the world that comes up with a few dirty words when asked to help their child with their spelling homework. I would say they aren’t terrible and I don’t recall them being any of the more serious words (rhymes with sucker), but I do this anyway. We can be sitting at the table, and I look over at my sweet princess as she asks, “Mom, what rhymes with lick?” First, as an adult and parent how can you not think that the teacher has purposely added these words to try to taint your children and second how can you not crack up? “Let’s see, sweetie, what rhymes with lick? Oh there’s prick, dick and flick (which has sexual connotation, to me at least). And what do you do if the child actually comes up with one of those words on their own? “Mom, I heard Jimmy call David a dick on the playground today, does that work?”
To switch the tables, what are you supposed to do when you hear your child saying something and they have absolutely no idea what they are saying? I recall the horror of the day I was dropping my four year old off at daycare and on the way into the building she was singing, “Life is a hard-on”, from her then favorite movie Cars. What makes it ever so worse is the second verse, “And I want to ride it all night long…….” Trying to explain to her that she did not have the words correct was worse than trying to teach me advanced math or science, (and I still can’t figure out how a baby is made). She just looks at me and mutters an “Ok”, with a look of hurt on her face like I am criticizing her singing rather than the words she is singing.
What is actually worse was something she said that she did mean, and to this day I am sure my husband must have put this idea in her head somehow because a sweet four year old child could never come up with something this vulgar and funny on her own. Passing through the family room one day, she broke wind louder than any adult male or animal I have ever heard. The look of disgust on my face was clearly enough to her, before I could say anything she looked at me and said, “Wow, my butt should apologize to my pee spot for that one.” Never in my life would I imagine my sweet girl saying such a thing without someone putting her up to it. To this day my husband still denies it, but always adds, “You have to admit that is damn funny.”
Then there are the things your very young children say that are meant to hurt or embarrass you or the other people they love. My first day as a mystery reader in my daughter’s first grade class was exciting for me and I was a bit nervous to get in front of all these kids and read. One sweet little girl said to me, “ I really like the color of your hair, it’s so pretty”. Before I could thank her, my daughter piped up with a “Well, it’s fake she dyes it all the time”. I believe this is only one step above having my four year old tell all the other preschoolers in her class that “My mom really needs to shave her armpits more cuz they are so hairy!” They are not, but how do you dispute that to a class full of four year olds, when some of them probably do have mommies that don’t shave their armpits (let’s face it we are in northern Virginia super melting pot).
I love my children and their ability to give me funny material to write about. Yes my life is crazy, but it is always filled with bliss!